Hi Dear

Yesterday's my birthday. Tomorrow's exactly a month since you last left us. Today's my best friend's wedding. I simply couldn't bring myself to work. This is too much for me to bear..I have always looked forward towards birthdays, weddings and anniversaries. But not this time. After what had happened, birthdays will never be the same again. Weddings might be cruel to me.. Anniversaries will be looked at from a totally different perspective.

Up till today, I sometimes still imagine and dream that you are overseas. It still feels like yesterday when I went over to Shanghai with you..I remember we took the Cathay Pacific plane and transited in Hong Kong, then to Pudong Airport. At that time, I would never have imagined it would have been our last plane ride together. I remember we reached the Hong Kong Airport, and we were so hungry...we put our stuff in the hotel..and went out in search of food..We had Aji-Sen Noodles together..I would have never imagined it would be our last time eating noodles together..

I remember us going to "Tao Bao" in Shanghai to buy cheap imitation stuff..We liked the place so much, we went back there two or three times within that one week that I was there, and kept buying bags and clothings for both our families..I remember distinctively you liked this leather brown Dunhill bag so much we had to bargain so long for it..And you kept using me as shield saying "Wo de Lao Po shuo tai gui, bu rang wo mai.."(My Wife says it's too expensive, and wouldn't let me buy...), then like usual, we would pretend to leave the shop and the prices would be slashed to our preferred price..We got the bag in the end. I could see how pleased you were with getting the bag, that you were practically smiling from ear to ear. I was really happy to see you smiling like that. After all our purchases, we would go back to the hotel room, and lay all our gifts and presents on the bed and compare to see who bought the nicest stuff at the best bargain. I miss all of that..

I remember the day when we had to travel from Shanghai to Suzhou to choose your apartment in Suzhou.. we travel to so many places to finally select the apartment you were stayin at. It was a beautiful "studio-like" apartment with 3 bedrooms, a huge fish tank, a small kitchen, a balcony and a solid hi-fi system. We both fell in love with the apartment.. somehow without saying much to each other, I knew in my heart that you would definitely choose this apartment. You did, like expected. I was looking forward to going over with my grandma, and then my parents to visit you in Dec and stay in that apartment with you. You would have been our tour guide as planned.. You would have brought us to many places of interest in Suzhou and Shanghai as planned. You would have brought us to where you usually hang out and eat as planned..

Yet, that day when I went to your apartment.. I dragged myself there. I feared to see what I saw. Your TV and laptop was still on, with so many msn messages from so many friends and your sister. In your sister's msn message to you, she was asking you to reply her msn message. In my heart, I wish you could too. I really wished you could. But this time, Xuelin had to be disappointed by her brother. It seemed like you were only going for a short gym workout, and a swim and then you would be back answering all those msn messages. I replied to some of the msn messages for you..and changed your nick to " I have passed on to somewhere greater and better... Please pray for me.". Many of your friends were shocked.. some had though I was lying..I went into the toilet and looked into the washing machine and saw familiar half-washed clothes. I took your clothes out from the washing machines and couldnt believe that you havent come back to continue washing your clothes.

I went into your room, saw a badminton racket and the familiar Dunhill bag on your bed, and I just cracked. You have barely used the bag for two months now..and the bag was left abandoned on your bed. I climbed onto your bed, and just laid there frozen crying and screaming uncontrollably at what has happened. I just couldnt believe it. It was just yesterday when we were talking about your gym workout and swims.. and how you would push yourself to improve the weights you were lifting. I didnt want to leave.. I wanted to be where you were..just yesterday. I cried so much, I couldnt see anyone around me. My tears just blocked my vision.. I wanted it to remain that way.. I didn't want to face reality. And I really wished you could have taken me with you there and then. My world has crashed when I got the phonecall that night. And I had died together with you.

The next few days in Suzhou/Shanghai was terrible.. We had to choose your favourite clothes, jacket, pants, shoes, watch..I told Da-ge that you always liked to shine your shoes.. and he did it for you.. They were bright and shiny I swear..I know if you were here.. you would have jumped around and said " Da-ge bang wo cha wo de chou xue zi" (Brother helped me to shine my smelly shoes), but I believe.. Da-ge would have done it a million times for you if you would have only given him one more chance..We had to go to the pool where it happened.. We had to keep signing papers with your name on it to get you home. We had wanted to get you home so badly. Home, where we all were.. where Da-sao and Xuelin were waiting anxiously. Home where all our beautiful memories really were. Home where you can finally rest after a long journey.

I remember when I left for Singapore the last time in September.. We had taken the Maglev train..We took our last photos together..When we reached Shanghai Airport.. we had our last drink and coffee together after checking in. It was my first time taking a plane ride by myself, and I was crying and tearing.. not because I was afraid.. but because I missed you already. If I had known that that would have been our last look, last touch, last kiss and last hug together.. I would have gladly missed my plane that time. I would have chosen to stay in Suzhou to be with you and forgo everything else. I remember running for my plane coz I entered the gates at the very last minute..and there was a queue and stuff..only so that I could spend a few more moments with you.. I never regretted running for that plane. We had managed to spend our last few moments being physically together.

In Shanghai for the second time, I couldnt wait to get home.. where we were at then was terrible..I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, practically couldn't be of help. I seemed like a vegetable deep inside of me..

Darling..please be here for me. You have told me that although you are not near, you will always miss me and that you will be a call away. You also said that we would walk through all our problems together hand-in-hand. I trust you. So I believe that you will be nearby.. somehow..

My parents got me a dog.. A Siberian Husky for my birthday..She's an apricot beige and only 4 months old..If you were here, I bet you would have loved her.. We would have gone to the park and jogged together with her every weekend when you are back in March next year. I called her " Courage". I hope to find my courage through her and live strong for you Darling.

I still love you as much as ever.. maybe more than ever..and more and more with each passing day. Be strong too Darling.. when I finish my race on earth.. I hope to see you at the other end..still waiting and cheering for me.

I would still want to be your wife in my next, next, next life.. For as many times as possible.. even if I had to relive all these pain again, I would. Even if it's for a day, I would.

We had promised to run the marathon next year together when you get back..and to finish it hand in hand. I will continue this race myself, with you beside me.. I will wear your ring and mine together, and I promise to finish our race together "hand-in-hand" this time. I will run this race for you and for our families..I may cramp up along the way, my knees may hurt along the way, my heart may pound uncontrollably, tears may roll down my cheeks as I think about you along the way..I may feel like giving up along the way.. But I won't. Coz I want to see you at my finishing line. Please wait for me Darling.. I promise not to take too long..But I will need to finish my chores here on earth first before I go.

Though we have never gone through our customary wedding.. I now have two grandparents, four parents, two brothers, one sis-in-law and two sisters. I will help you to take care of them on your behalf like you always tell me too.. Rest in peace Darling. Leave the chores here on earth for us.


I love you.
Debbie